Escape..........

After a lot of deliberating, I decided to stick with my arrangement to come up to Edinburgh and visit my parents with Bea. My husband had arranged to take time off work to cover for James and I had organised resptite for the weekend so things seemed stable at home. My emotional state is still all over the place, as to be expected, but the thought of escaping and being able to not have to think about cooking, cleaning, sorting out school bags, collecting children from various activities was rather tempting. There is also the fact that I am guaranteed more sleep than at home as we get up very early to get James ready for school.

My anxiety levels were quite high for the trip up, in part because Bea had been unwell the day before and I wasn't even sure that we'd make it. In the end she was a dream on the train, apart from the incident when she threw up everywhere..... I nearly held myself together, and quick change of clothes seemed to sort it all out. I don't know why my children don't travel well - I have a LOT of stories about journeys that have been affected by ill children, but will save those for another time.

So I have escaped from a lot of the daily stress. What I can't escape from is my internal stress. I have always been a ruminator, and it has escalated back to levels that remind me of the time not long after James began to regress. That has made my grief harder to control, as I feel like I'm reliving all the grief I went through when I "lost" James. Because that's what James' autism feels like to me, a loss. I see the face of the boy I gave birth to, and love with all my heart, but I find myself wondering where the interactive, lively, loving, giving, entertaining little boy of two went? He just disappeared into a frightening, overwhelming world of autism. And I grieved then and I am grieving again now, this time for two children. And our future. And all my plans and hopes. I will find the strength to get through this and find another path, but right now I wish I could escape from my runaway brain.